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The Standup Jokes of Masaharta - Part 1

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After a ferocious battle one day, Masaharta went out into the American countryside for a little rest. He was walking along, wondering how to settle Shogun government peacefully on his conquered subjects. He was so busy in his thoughts that he didn’t notice that he walked into a peaceful farm yard. The farmer saw him coming and hollered, “Hey Shogun, stop polluting my land.”

Masaharta’s first impulse was to shoot him, but he decided that he would do a little campaigning instead. So he said to the farmer, “Would you mind hearing my plans for this country?” Now the farmer didn’t expect this so he called his wife, Clara, and told Masa to go ahead. So Masa climbed up on a pile of horse droppings and started his speech. When he finished, he hopped down and the farmer said, “Well, in all of my borned days, this is the first time I have heard a Shogun speak about anything but fire.”

Masaharta laughed and replied, “In all of my borned days, this is the first time that I ever tried to gain the favor of a conquered people from an Alliance platform.”

~~~~~~Borrowed and adapted from Ronald Reagan’s jokes.

VietnamVet went to make a speech to the Alliance troops one morning. He got himself worked up into a ferocious state and began an impassioned speech. About 2 minutes after he got started, someone interrupted, yelling, “Peanuts, get your peanuts for 25 cents!”

VietnamVet got so mad that he roared, “The next man who says that will be shot!” Immediately, the whole crowd started chanting, “Peanuts, get your peanuts for 25 cents!”

~~~~~~Borrowed and adapted from Ronald Reagan’s jokes.

A Republic High Commander and a Soviet High Commander were comparing notes during a time of peace. One of the things they were discussing was alcoholic beverages. The UR commander was explaining how Kentucky moonshine was prepared in order to get a jolt and the SU commander listened carefully. When the UR commander finished, the SU commander said, “During the tough times, we added some drops of EA engine oil to our vodka to give us a jolt. We only had one problem. When our men belched, it had a tendency to scorch the ass of the men in front of them, causing them to jump up and get shot in the head for exposure.”

~~~~~Original Masaharta joke.

One day, Wiked announced that he would be holding the High Diplomatic Tribal Council and invited all of the other factions to send an honored guest. The guests were told to assemble at a small town in Madagascar and then make their way to the Sacred Council grounds. So each faction sent a representative and they all met at this town. Tensions ran high between the diplomats whose nations were feuding, but they dared not raise a hand in violence on Warlord soil. When they finally arrived, they were conducted by tribal leaders to a large circle covered in mud where Wiked awaited them. Surprised, the diplomats asked Wiked what he meant by the mud circle. He replied, “The mud is for when you civilized folks decide to start dropping the sham of diplomatic niceties and readapt your animal instincts.”

~~~~~~Original Masaharta joke.

When internal quarrels happened in the Shogun Empire, Masaharta almost always knew that arguments were occurring before they were brought before him for resolution. One day, his High Commanders asked him how he knew. He replied, “Every time you guys have a quarrel, you start heating up your furnaces. Every time you heat up your furnaces, my ass gets baked on the Imperial Throne because each of you thinks you are doing me a favor by connecting your furnaces to the main one to keep the God Emperor warm.”

~~~~Original Masaharta joke

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